People who are not reliable, trustworthy, honest also will have problems forming close, lasting relationships; as will people who have personal problems with addictions or other habits that seriously interfere with relationships. One theory of attachment or love states that one's feeling of attachment to another is related to the intensity and number of positive contacts divided by the number of negative contacts (times the number of contacts).Before you can have a happy, close and long-lasting relationship with another person, you must first develop yourself until you can meet the minimal standards of what a potential partner (like the one you want) would need from you. This theory may be an oversimplification, but think about it for a minute.Ask yourself, honestly, what someone who you want is looking for. If you have 10 contacts with someone and the overwhelming feeling you get each time is happiness, how do you feel?Compare your degree of attachment/liking/closeness to a situation where all 10 contacts with the other person have left you feeling very unhappy.Those positive contacts increase the chances that your partner will value you and feel closer to you.Negative contacts increase distance and resentment. Even though creating positive interactions are the best way to achieve closeness and intimacy, just being together and sharing a common history, especially positive common events, can help two people feel close.
What if you want to go slowly * What if one partner has a performance anxiety problem with sex When Jerry first came in for counseling, he was so shy that he couldn't even look at me and could only give one-line answers to questions.This continuum starts with strangers at the low end, then moves to casual friends, people who are close in only one or two specific areas, people who are close in many areas for a short time, and ends with those closest in many areas over a long time span.They may be married, be close family members, or have an extremely close friendship.On the other hand if someone is not available for whatever the reason may be, don't waste time thinking about that person. The key compatibility factors that will determine the degree two people can achieve a high degree of intimacy are (1) the similarity of their top beliefs and values (their inner core), (2) their communicate styles, (3) the similarity of their interests and activities, and (4) the similarity of major background factors (ethnic, religious, cultural, educational, etc.) . Long-term romantic intimacy is based primarily upon these same factors , but it also includes the sexual/romantic dimension.Instead, spend your time productively looking for someone who is available. For romantic relationships, similarity of overall attractiveness is also important.Make sure there is equality of control and you do what you can to give your partner what he/she wants without giving up too much of yourself.Positive actions help make your partner's contacts with you positive.Why is it that two people become friends or lovers and others don't?Following are some general causes that research has shown to be important.1. There may be many people "out there" who you could be good friends with or could be happily married to. They live in another city or a block away, and you never meet them.If you are also concerned about fear of rejection and lack of self-confidence, read my short self-help manual, Beyond Fear of Rejection and Loneliness to Self-Confidence at Levels of intimacy vary from no contact strangers to friends or lovers who are very similar in their most important-innermost parts of themselves, care greatly about each other; communicate in a completely free, open, and honest manner; are willing to make significant efforts or sacrifices for each other, and are in a long-term committed relationship.