Unfortunately, because we are so loyal, we sometimes make the mistake of staying loyal to a person or situation (or job) that doesn’t deserve our fantastic loyalty.Trust is Difficult for Us This is one of those “it’s not you, it’s me” deals. That’s not because you’re not trustworthy, by the way (though if your self-esteem is low, you may make the mistake of thinking our trust issues are about you).We don’t handle that well, because we have no learned respect for authority figures, because we’re stubborn, insecure, and we seek approval constantly(well, depending on our level of self-improvement, that is!) No matter what you do, we’re probably going to interpret what you say as if you’re (a) criticizing us and/or (b) telling us what to do.It’s because we grew up in such unstable, inconsistent environments–we were, essentially, trained not to trust.(Years ago, my father yelled at me, “There is no safety in the world, and no one deserves safety from this world.”) If you were to evaluate us based solely on our upbringing, you’d come to the conclusion that we were raised for battle–to be on-edge and ‘ready’ at all times for chaos to break.When the child’s parent is alcoholic and self-centered, the child never gets help processing their own thoughts, feelings, and experiences–so they learn to ignore themselves and focus on the needs of others instead, as they were trained to do.What follows is in no way to be interpreted as an excuse for bad behavior, by the way.
Kids who were raised in consistent environments could relax and enjoy their childhoods because people behaved in predictable ways.But us–we always played with one eye watching the horizon.We Can’t Truly Relax Very Often (But we’re working on that!It’s sometimes an effort for us to remember what we like to do.We Don’t Like to Be Told What to Do We don’t particularly like to be told what to do.Parents who aren’t self-knowing, grounded, and ready to raise a child have trouble delivering consistent, loving and patient nurturing to their child.The more inconsistency and chaos in the household, the more stress on the baby–which means more cortisol produced in the body. Stressed babies = babies that can’t develop the trust and calm that allows them to fully thrive.Find out if the person you care for has done any self-improvement work to deal with their childhood, whether therapy, a twelve-step group, lots and lots of reading, or some other, structured, form of working through the problems that a childhood with an alcoholic parents creates.If you’ve arrived here looking for the answer to the hard question, “Should I end my relationship?Just like anyone (adult child, or not), if someone has issues that are unresolved, the relationship will be used, in some fashion, to process the issues.That will often result in a short-lived relationship, but not always.