It sounds cheesy, but marriage counseling really helped.It helped my husband understand himself and his reactions better, and it helped cement the idea of "ours" instead of "yours" as it related to the problems I was dealing with at the time.
There are many reasons why, including therapy, antidepressants, and weight loss and subsequent surgery—but I would have to say that the big reason is communication.I did allow for the possibility that my sample was skewed; people with good sex lives don't write to tell me everything's fine.So I invited people whose so-so sex lives improved after the wedding to write in.And did they ever: My inbox is packed with e-mails from couples whose sex lives got better after the wedding. But we were both in our early 40s and ready to settle down.I was a very experienced woman (five years as a swinger and partners numbering in the high double digits) when I first met the man who would become my husband. We also had an amazing friendship, and we were never as happy apart as we were together. We went from once a month to a couple times a week. It's not as frequent as it once was, but it's really good when we have it. Am I the first or the hundredth person to write in? I suspect you don't see it in your inbox very often because this isn't what most people would consider a problem and we don't want to waste your time!That he was willing to see a counselor and work on sex were also good signs.If I had a partner who was unwilling to talk about sex or try to fix it, I'd kick his ass to the curb without blinking.I was deeply ashamed of my sexual interest even before my mother discovered my porn when I was 14 and told me I was a pervert that no decent woman would ever want.When I met my wife, our sex life was okay—but I was never fully present, because I would have to concentrate on my fantasies in order to sustain an erection. My wife knew I was masturbating in the middle of the night instead of having sex with her, and that led to some enormous fights.I was a virgin, my wife was not, together we hadn't gotten much past second base, and neither of us had laid our kink cards on the table.We were (and still are) introverts with poor communication skills and anxiety/depression/mental-health issues.